doubt

I don’t know how to act any longer

Michael,

“What I am feeling right now is that I want to know you deeper and deeper. I need to feel you as much as possible and express this love I feel for you in some way. If there was a spiritual way to may love to you, that is how I would want to be with you right now. That is how I feel in my spirit anyway.”

Esther,

“I was thinking much same the other day, but thought may not be appropriate to say anything, so I didn’t.”

Michael,

“It is like I need your spiritual body in some deeper way.  I hope God brings some clarity on this point. It is really beginning to consume my spirit like “burning coals” in the Song of Solomon. A whole ocean could not put this quench this eternal flame I feel towards you, this longing to become one and have you inside me.”

Esther,

“And it doesn’t does it, because this love doesn’t feel weak or distant at all.”

Words are not enough

Michael,

“Like I say, words fail to describe what is happening between us.  It is just getting stronger and stronger.  Love you dear.”

Michael and Esther fall deeper and deeper into God’s love and as they do a whole new door of experiences in the Spirit seem to swing open.  However, just when they reach one plateau that seems higher than high, God does something even more precious and wonderful.  Like the Queen of Sheba, Michael and Esther exclaim “The half has not been told!”

It is our natural minds than have barred us from these places in heaven that are our birthright.  Likewise, our earthly reason imprisons us, keeping us from true life.  Walking in the Spirit is much more than we have been told or could even imagine.  All the scriptures are living and full of experiences, beyond time and this creation.  When we commit to live by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of our Father, His word lives in and through us.

A new day

The next day, Esther says,

“This love I am feeling towards you and God is like a constant tightening and drawing. Only God could create something so bottomless, it just has no ending or beginning.”

Michael,

“Him my love, yes, the song of songs is just one big description of a spiritual connection. I looks like a earthly romance to others but it is much more than that.”

Esther,

“Yes totally, it’s why it’s key. I love song of songs because you really feeling the intimacy with God.  Through Solomon’s words  you ‘get it’ and come to understand divine intimacy. Divine intimacy is a rod of division between wheat a chaff.  It separates the wolves from His sheep.  It quickly divides like a two edged sword.  Imagine if all Christians truly embraced God’s love for what it is, imagine what that would do not just to them but the world.”

Esther Muses

The next time we speak, Esther muses,

“Musing changes you fundamentally each time you open yourself to doing it.  You can never go back to previous states of understanding when you do. It, in a way, takes something from you to change your understandings of the world. You wouldn’t call them revelations if they were not new and new things are ‘needed’ to bring them into being.  For something to be new something old has to go to make space.

People don’t really understand what happens behind the scenes during the birthing of revelation.  Most don’t understand what the people giving the revelations sometimes endure to do so.  As liberating on the spirit as revelation is…it isn’t always liberating in the physical world existence of the person.  The more the Spirit wants to be and live and exist, the more the world and flesh has to die or recede. I think there is always the exact same distance between the world and the Spirit. As one moves forward, the other moves back and vice versa, so distance stays same

The freedom to muse

This spiritual journey can be a lonely one and a rough ride, but I would not change being spiritually in tune for a zombie human existance, sleepwalking through life to death eternal.  I am glad I found someone to walk through it with, who at least gives me space to muse out of my mind to get clarity on it even if I don’t understand everything. These things just being stuck in your mind, going endlessly round, sends me literally crazy. Being with you has given me an outlet and God is removing those boundaries I’ve built around myself bit by bit. I’ve been thinking, “what has happened to normal understandable boundaries?”  I am beginning to struggle with knowing what is right or wrong.  I don’t know how to act any longer.

I’m feeling a bit conflicted here

Michael,

“I have been feeling that lately, that there is some dialogue going on inside you.  Kind of a tug of war in your mind and heart. I can’t put my figure on it. It feels like like winding up one of the toy airplanes with those long rubber bands.  First you see twists, then the knots, then double knots, and you wonder how far you can go before you need to let it fly or something breaks.”

Esther,

“I think that maybe my concept of normality and known acceptability is trying to hold me back a bit.  However, my eagerness to see this out there and find out where its going is fighting that tendency.  The bottom line for me is that, in my spirit, I feel God powerfully in what’s happening between us. I’m trying not to be sensible and reason led but more God-led and trusting His voice rather than knowledge I suppose.”

Doubt too, shall pass

Michael,

“I would rather risk everything and see it through to where it is going. What I have to do is just force myself to say exactly what comes to my mind through my spirit.  This is really difficult because I find myself equivocating a lot when I should just be saying what is in my heart.”

Esther,

“Please don’t worry that my doubt is making me want to run out or anything dramatic that that. I’m loving all this and I thank God for thinking I good enough or worthy enough to be here in it.”

Michael.

“I am not sensing you are running.”

Dropping the “ladylike” attitude

Esther,

“I just gotta drop the, “it’s not ladylike” attitude when speaking of these things too. I have no problem with speaking about most things openly, but for me, intimacy is not as easy.”

Michael,

“We are just being called to deeper and deeper intimacy and I think it is really scary for each of us.”

Esther,

“I know and I agree, I think I just worried about wrecking things between us by saying the wrong thing or speaking inappropriately.”

Michael,

“Hon, I really need you to just let go of that fear.  I want you a raw as you feel to be.  Sleep on it.  Night night.

 Eternal Flame by The Bangles

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