Anatomy Of A Spiritual Union Pt 3: Lost And All Alone
Continuing on…
Have you ever felt completely alone?
Alone. Completely. Just me and my Savior. Tears streamed down my face as the pain and hopelessness in my heart swelled. My Savior was with me, I could feel it, yet I laid alone on the living room carpet – no pillow, no blanket, not touching any furniture. How had it come to this? I knew His Spirit – He was leading me, I knew that. Yet I was forced to be here by another who also knew I was following God’s Spirit.
God had confirmed it over and over and over. God was taking me on a journey of hearing His voice and leading me by revelation, and I was moving into this picture that God was revealing to me, the picture that was so true and truly from God’s Spirit, yet was so different from anything I had known, far beyond anything I had expected to learn, and there was so much He was revealing to me and reminding me of that He had shown me years ago – yet no one understood.
Cowed no longer
Jealousy? Pride? Rebellion? Control? Were these the demonic forces that I felt swirling around me tonight? The same forces haunted me day after day and kept me pressed to the ground and cowering in fear of further mistreatment and pain.
But wait, no, I needed to stand up. I needed to fight. This was the Spirit of God teaching me and leading me. He was revealing to me a move of His Spirit in divine love, a move to connect people together in that love as His Spirit desires – this was from the Spirit of God, not myself, and I had and will continue to embrace it. As I did, my soul and mind and spirit were flooded with peace – even now. I reached out to my Savior, and He was there. He brought me peace and comforted my soul and assured me He would protect me – even in the midst of the demonic oppression, He would protect me.
The truth is that Jesus is with me
Alone…yet, I sensed, not completely. As my soul reached out to my Savior, He drew me beyond…deeper into Him where He had more for me. There it was again – what I had felt almost 35 years ago and so often since that time…that drawing, that sense that something out there needed me, yet I could feel again that I needed it too – and it somehow knew that…what was it? A calling? A destiny? A place? A time? Timeless, endless, beyond space…it was reaching for me as it could feel me reaching for it…something in my Savior and more…almost like it could sense my distress and desperation and was coming to rescue me…
Soldiering on
Put it out of your mind…Tomorrow was Sunday, and I needed to put on my ‘happy’ face. Oh, the ice, I said I would bring ice for the potluck…now I’ll have to make a stop before church tomorrow. I needed to sleep… was that possible? God, get me through this night and rescue me! The sun began to rise…
Drive south my son
The light from that same sunrise streamed through his motorhome window. Not that he needed that sun to wake him. He had been watching the light creep into the atmosphere as he lay awake for the last several hours. Good thing this was Sunday – his day off. He had to go, he had to drive. Where? The Spirit of God was leading him. “South. Go south. Down into the valley”. Why? There’s nothing I know there!
However, Michael knew the voice of God. He knew it and had lived it. Sometimes to a place of confirming the Word of the Lord, sometimes to speak as His prophetic voice, and sometimes to pray over a town in need of the presence of God, but whatever the need, obedience was his call, his drive: Listen for Him, hear Him, and obey Him – whenever he called – on time. So this day would be no different.
Moved by God
As he drove, he felt the presence of God. The Spirit was definitely leading him, and the knowing got more and more powerful as he drove further south. The mountains were beautiful in the day’s sunlight. A deer ran across the road just in front of him, and even as he braked to miss her, there was peace all around him. What is it Lord? What am I looking for? Let me find it, please.
His thoughts drifted as he focused on the Spirit’s leading…memories, painful ones, edged into his mind. Too much rejection, disappointments, especially as he followed his Savior’s leading – but so many blessings, too. God had brought him enough blessings to satisfy any man. Yet why did he feel so restless, why did he feel there was more? Why had he felt for almost 35 years that he was missing something? People accused him of being discontent, not satisfied with God’s blessings, but it was more than that. Michael knew it was a calling his Savior had for him – had promised him.
Trying to find that missing piece
It began years ago and was part of the calling – a vital part of the blessing that God intended him to pioneer. Reaching for that calling, Michael couldn’t quite grasp it, there was something more: That missing piece he needed, and something that right now he could feel so strongly needed him. Was it here? Why did Montana feel so right? No, it was more than a place. Someone was calling to him, no, crying out for him; needing him, and he needed them. Like an unfulfilled longing, a magnetic pull, drawing on his heart. But where? It was close, so very close. Lord, let me find what you are leading me to, what is calling to me.
Close, but no connection
Suddenly the peace was gone. A dark, demonic presence surrounded him. It strengthened as it flooded his vehicle. Where to turn…left, right or straight? Confused and somewhat bewildered, Michael stopped at a gas station. Praying and trying to shake the demonic presence, he filled his vehicle with gas then walked towards the store to grab a diet cola. Stepping to the side, he held the door for a woman carrying two large bags of ice.
Walking through the door, Emma looked at him briefly and caught his eyes for just a moment. “Thank you.” She said, walking past him. Such pain, he thought as he caught her eyes. That woman is in deep pain. He looked over his shoulder at her getting into her truck and said a quick prayer for her. The demonic forces tightened around him as he did, and he prayed even harder for himself. God help me, fight the enemy for me. I need to know what you are leading me to.
Night fell as he returned to his motorhome. What was I looking for? Why didn’t I find it? As he gave up his search, the enemy shrieked in delight.
I actually wanted to comment on how I’m loving following this journey and insight really into what is divine love and connections in the world, the reality of what is written here…in essence how it manifests and even builds.
I have been following these chapters or parts you writing and its like going to a cinema watching a really emotional love film with a bucket of popcorn on my knee! Bit like The Notebook film. I have gone through tears, to sadness, to Ohh they going to meet finally! To ohh no they were so close! You really have me waiting on the next instalment with your cliffhanger! Will just have to order another bucket of popcorn!
Awaits not so patiently for the next chapter 💖
Dear Esther,
Thank you so much for your encouraging comment! Stay tuned for next Friday’s installment.
Big hugs and lots of love,
Michael
I know right? He is indeed gifted in writing. I’ve broken the record on this site. I’ve been here the whole day. I listen on audio bc I’m typing my progress notes. Anyway, this lifted my spirits now it’s finished and I gotta wait a week. 😔 If we are still here.
Oh wow! What a cliffhanger. I loved how you brought Emma back into the picture – to be the one Michael held the door for out for. I think it was Emma you were looking for!! No? I guess I just have to wait and see. I wouldn’t be surprised. The Lord has sent me on a journey just to give one sentence to someone – chills. I love it. I never knew you wrote these sort of installment series (whatever it’s called 😝) I want more! Michael’s loneliness was of concern to me.😢 I wished I could just hold him tight. I hope Emma doesn’t hurt herself.
What a treasure I have found in your writing!
Hi Cord of Many Strands,
Thank you so much for the comment! I appreciate it very much. Welcome and God bless!
Love your handle btw!
Michael
This is so heartbreaking and yet so lovely at the same time. I’m so so so thankful you didn’t allow pain and exhaustion keep you from writing or sharing this. You could have thought “what’s the point?” or “will anyone understand anyway?” I’m so glad you were obedient and listened to God. The feeling of “there’s something more” is so accurate. So real! Thank you so much for existing!
Dear Kimberly,
One of the things that I think about all that God did in this connection, is that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Though the Devil fought hard to keep our union from forming, even 5 years before we got together, God was working hard to make it happen. It just goes to show you how that if we believe God and are open to what He desires, it always comes to pass no matter what obstacles are in front of us. For me, I want to be the one to stands up and says, “Yes! God is able to do everything He said and more.” Often, I think we are five minutes before a miracle in our lives and if we just believe a little bit more, then our victory in Him is assured.
Also, the victory we seek often comes in ways we don’t expect and so we must remain open to look at things differently. For instance, I thought I would be a traditional Pentecostal minister when I was going to Bible College. That is what I trained for with my whole heart. However, when it came time to enter the ministry, I found that I didn’t fit with it. I felt very confused and bewildered. In my natural mind I thought it had to be one way, but God had something in store that was quite different. Now, 30 years later, having built a couple of businesses, ministered in Africa, I am now doing the work of the ministry by speaking out about Tabernacles online. I am a minister, but just not in the way I first imagined.
A couple of days ago, something happened to me that I realized was a “sign” from God. I was driving with Christi back from Saint George towards Cedar City. Most of the way it is very steep hills. About halfway there, I started to lose power in my car. I looked at my gas gauge, and to my surprise, it read almost empty. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to fill up before I headed home. I had to make a decision: should I continue, another 9 miles, to Cedar City? Or should I turn around and go back 21 miles from where I came. Going where I wanted to go was all up hill and I felt sure that I would not make it. Turning around and backtracking was twice as far, 21 miles, but at least it was partially downhill and I thought I could coast to conserve what little petrol I still had. So, I made a split-second decision, more just going with what I felt in my spirit than anything else, and turned around. Christi did not know why I did it, but she trusted that I was being led by His Spirit.
The car was still losing power, but it was downhill and we picked up speed. We made it over the first hill and then coasted again. It seemed impossible to make it the whole distance and I was sure, in my natural mind, I would end up walking or thumbing a ride. Another hill, still going! Then the final hill, the biggest one, loomed ahead of me. I sped up as best I could with the car still cutting out. I made it about half way up the hill as the car lost power, forcing me to shift to second gear. About 3/4 of the way up the incline I shifted down to 1st gear. 20 miles an hour, then 10 miles an hour, then seven miles per hour. In my mind, I knew it was over, but I decided not to give up until the car actually stopped dead.
Tapping on the gas pedal just so, the engine miraculously kept running just enough for us to barely edge over the hill…then gain speed on the other side. Eventually, we saw a gas station on the opposite side of the freeway. We took the off ramp, thinking the car would stall at any moment. Then coming to the stop sign, I did a California stop in Utah (fortunately no police cars around) and drove all the way into the gas station. When I pumped the gas, I put over 12 gallons in the car, more than I had ever pumped before. Had I at any time gone by my natural mind, I would have walked and spend most of the afternoon trying to get gas. However, even though it seemed impossible, because I kept driving by faith, I filled my tank and drove back to where I left off and continued, without difficulty, the rest of the way to the destination I wanted.
I share that to say this, often the way forward is not what we think it should be. For me, the way forward that day was to actually back-track, fuel, and then continue on my journey. For me, personally, this was a sign, because I am considering going back into the secular business market in Africa to do something in education. In my natural mind, this is not what I want to do, because I really feel to promote the Tabernacle Blessing and devote all my time to that. However, I believe God is showing me that I must go back into business, backtrack to an earlier time in my life, in order to have the fuel (perhaps money) to continue on in Tabernacles. The truth is, once I put fuel in my car, I went to my destination without difficulty. So, going back to Africa, at least for me, is actually what will allow me to move forward in Tabernacles. I will still continue to write Seraph Hunter and do podcasts. We are also working on doing a Vlog once a month. However, I now feel settled in my spirit about doing business, because it will ultimately lead to articulating the message of the Tabernacle Blessing better.
So, things are not always what they seem and what God leads us to do is often counter-intuitive. However, because He sees the end from the beginning, we can trust that He knows best.
Big hugs,
Michael
Hi Kimberly! Thanks for your comment! You are so right – there is always something more in God, and this is something we really need to hold on to, especially in dark times. When God promises us something, or gives us a glimpse of things to come, THAT is the reality, and holding on to that in the midst of darkness brings us a great deal of hope! God wants good things for us, and good things are always in store when we follow Him. And this particular story ends with such a happy ending – GOD’s ending!