I Wish I Could Go Back In Time
Esther, a few days before this experience said,
“Wish I could go back in time to before all that and not let it happen.”
A few days later, she mentioned,
“Think next time travelling to heaven we need go court of accusations then after that you pick somewhere you want to go when we leave that court, if your still up for doing the travelling.”
Michael replied,
“I am up for it for sure!”
It’s a spiritual date!
Esther,
“I think we could maybe get together on Friday to do that speaking in tongues thing.”
Michael,
“OK, it’s a spiritual date!”
Esther’s accidental confession
Just after Esther and I had our initial experience in God, that of going to the Holy of Holies in the Heavenly temple, I looked in the Spirit and she seemed to be no where around. Surprised, I went looking for her and she was sitting by herself.
Perplexed, I said, “Why are you sitting here alone?”
Esther said,
“Well, yeah I let God use me that way, I’m useful while I’m useful. Now you that you have gotten here you won’t be needing me anymore.”
Dumbfounded, I said,
“You know, I love you and God loves you. We love you personally and not just what you can do. I need you with me, I hope you know that. I don’t want to do this alone.
Beside, a ruby does not have to useful, it is just beautiful all on its own without ever “doing” anything. Don’t feel that you are loved just for what you do. That is certainly not the case with me. You would be loved even if you did nothing. Maybe that is something God is trying to show you, that you don’t have to give and do things to be loved and valued.
Fearing to be loved for who we are
Esther,
“I know that God’s love isn’t something earned by man but freely given by Him. Maybe I just can’t bear it or accept it, maybe that’s what “love hurts” means. Maybe it’s too foreign to what I know for me to let it get very close.”
Michael,
You keep thinking, if you are not useful people, they will not love you, or at least fearing that anyway. That is why you get nervous when your “output” decreases. Just know that if you did nothing God and I still love you for who you are and not just what you can do. Esther is important, valued, and precious.”
Esther,
“I don’t do things to receive back, I just do them. Gosh, I hope I’m not a works based person.”
Traveling back to a place I’d never been before
Michael,
“What is going on in your heart right now? I feel like I’m sitting with you as a small child, a toddler”
Esther,
“I feeling now like I’m lost and panicking, needing to take a direction, overwhelmed too”
Michael,
“The room is a big bare place. There is a window. You are on the floor. Your hands are little. What do you see?”
Esther,
“Dirt and bugs on the floor…it’s dank, no color or life.”
Michael,
“How do you feel?”
I’m cold and all alone
Esther,
“Feeling cold and alone.”
Michael,
“I put my hand out and you take one of my fingers in your little hand and look at me. I take you in my arms and sit with you on my lap, holding you as you cling to me.”
Esther,
” I feel fear. I am scared very badly. You are taking me to a place that traumatized me so badly.”
Michael,
“You are sacred and you act like you haven’t felt love in a while. I just continue to hold you.”
(By this time, in the Spirit, Esther and I are back in time in a small room. There is mess everywhere and it stinks.)
There, there, it’s OK
Michael,
“You are very cute, a nice child. I like you. You are very loving and needing to be loved. There is very much of a purity about you. You know, as I hold you, I would gladly take you home with me. You’re a lovable child and there is nothing wrong with you at all. You did nothing wrong, how could you? You’re just a small child. I just love you because you are you. It will be OK, don’t worry little one. You are shaking now. There, there, it’s OK.”
Esther,
“I am really scared of this. No adult is nice. No adult, at that age, treated me like you are, quite the opposite and that’s why I don’t trust.”
Michael,
“God wants to heal that Esther, so that you can trust and know that you are loved for just being you.”
Esther,
“Why do I need to feel and go back to these links in the chains! Why can’t God just fix me without doing this!”
Michael,
“You need to be healed back there so you can be free now. Those are places where you formed opinions consciously or unconsciously. You are insecure based on those things, so God wants to take those things out of you, allowing you to feel loved for who you are. These are the reasons that doing things that lead to approval in your adult life seems more trustworthy than just being loved for yourself.”
A flood of memories
Esther,
“It is linked to that demonic manifestation I saw when I was very small. It isn’t a small thing, it’s a whole can of worms. I didn’t have these memories before until you took me here. I remember that demon sneering at me, driving extreme fear into my heart. My mind is flooding with things I don’t want to feel and see! It is like a dam bursting!”
Michael,
“Dear, just allow these memories to come back. These things need to come out. It is part of your healing.”
Esther,
“Round and round – repeat. Jesus Christ, seriously? OMG! I didn’t want to know; I didn’t want any of it! That demon was around before that day, I saw it before.
Why this why now? I let God in and I feel better for a while then don’t! I can’t do anything now, can I, without it being seen as some self-serving thing. Even this is selfish, it’s not exactly travelling in the spirit having a trip round the heavenlies, it’s gone back to an evil place.”
Michael,
“Dear, just let God open this up so it can come out. I know it is painful, but it needs to be done so you can be healed. The fact is that you are not self-serving at all. You give and you do out of love because that is who you are as a person, a loving person.”
Pain
Esther,
“Why do I need to see and feel this stuff again. Why do I have to endure this???”
Michael,
“I think because, as long as it in inside you festering it has power over you and affects you to this day. It is why you pulled away from me that one day, thinking, well, now that I have served my purpose there is no need for me any longer. That was a direct result of those things you experienced as a small child so long ago.”
Esther,
“It is crazy when I didn’t even remember it. I feel sick and angrier than ever now from the lack of justice of it all. I now have even more images and memories burned into my brain to torment me. Why is a loving God allowing this to happen to me?
It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me.”
Michael,
“I am sorry dear; I can’t imagine how tough this must be for you right now.”
Esther,
“Jesus! it’s like a broken record cutting me like glass as it’s going round my mind. Freud is having a field day with this. Wish I hadn’t been born into this hell hole!”
Forgive yourself
Michael,
“forgive yourself Esther, you were not the reason all that happened. It was something you had no control over. It was not something you did. What happened to you is that demon pushed that fear into you like a battering ram. It drove it deep inside you until you almost did not know it was there anymore.”
Esther,
“I feel like can’t breathe. I’m being thrown around and hurt. I can literally feel it happening to me.”
Michael,
“And you are thinking, “What did I do? Why are they hurting me? Why am I bad?””
Esther,
“Why couldn’t they just love me? I was their child for heaven’s sake! Who COULD even do these things to their own kid?
Broken people who do broken things
Michael,
“They were broken people who did not have a clue. That is no excuse though, and they did very bad things. Esther, what they did was not your fault, you did not cause any of it. You couldn’t have been good enough to prevent them from doing those terrible things to you.
You wanted to be loved so much, thinking, “if I can just be good enough they will love me, take care of me.” The truth is, though, you were always valuable and lovable just being you.”
Esther,
“but instead of really getting what shouldn’t even be wanted or asked for at that age, I got yelled at, thrown about, hurt, left for days, passed around, sheesh!”
Michael,
“It was the adults that were messed up, not you. They were the ones who were awful. I am just feeling, by the Spirit, you need to forgive that little girl, embrace her, and tell he it’s ok. Tell her it is not her fault and that you love her unconditionally. Tell her that everything will be ok.”
No, I can’t hug her
Esther,
“I don’t want to enter the scene, it’s bad enough watching and feeling, making me panic. Wanting to run but I can’t because I’m frozen. I am feeling totally vulnerable and exposed.”
Michael,
“I am here with you. I will be there with you.”
Esther,
“I’m not my mom!”
Michael,
“It’s OK. You need to pick that little girl up and hug her dear. She needs you. It’s OK, I am right beside you. I will not leave you there alone.”
Esther,
“It’s dangerous Michael, you have no idea! It’s more dangerous for the baby for me to try than not.”
Michael,
“God did not give us a spirit of fear, It’s only a hug.”
Esther,
“It’s like the monster is in the next room about to come in at any time!”
Michael
“It is OK if you cannot do it now. Someday you will need to do it though…”
The rescue
Esther,
“feels like I need to rescue the child, and also detached from this child, like it is not me.”
Michael,
“She needs you and you need her, you both need each other. She needs your strength and love and you need her forgiveness and love. I know this must be very painful and scary for you.”
Esther,
“It makes me feel like shit that I have to be mum to myself! I need to rescue her from this environment, if he comes back in there will be hell to pay.”
Michael,
“What do you feel to do?”
Mother couldn’t cope
Esther,
“This is very odd, my mother would go out getting drunk all time, stay out for days even. She knew what was going on, but couldn’t deal with it. Instead of protecting and loving me she avoided me knowing she couldn’t tackle him.”
Michael,
“It was too much for her. She felt like shit and so drank to numb the pain and guilt. She knew she was an awful mother and it killed her inside.”
“It was not right, what happened to you. Your mother was a mess, but still that little girl needs you to accept and hug her. Mom lost her way, but the little girl and you don’t have to.”
Esther,
“I’m gonna rescue that child, and then leave that room and see where to go. You just punch something if anyone turns up.”
Michael,
“OK.”
Esther,
“I can’t sit in this room any longer.”
A reunion in the park
Michael,
“Go ahead, I am with you. It’s OK. Just do whatever you feel led to do.”
Esther,
“It’s like an odd/real role-play, but literally rescue/grab the child and get out, down stairs. Were in an apartment block type thing. I go outside, hands in her hair holding her close to me. I feel like I’ve found my way to a park, a safer place, sitting on a park bench.”
Michael,
“Good, how is she? How are you now? I am there in the park with you. You hold her and she is holding you, grabbing you tightly, though she is not scared any longer.”
Esther,
“I feel really relieved to be out of that place. I’m holding her close. She’s facing me sitting on my knee. I’m reassuring her, giving her kisses and shushes and holding her to me. It really feels like we rescued her and there’s no hell or high water way she going back either.”
I feel safe here
Michael,
“No, she cannot go back to that place. It’s a warm day, sun is out with only a few clouds above.”
Esther,
“Feels safe here, I know this park.”
Michael,
“You can relax now; you are both safe. I can see she likes you.”
Esther,
“I didn’t know those things about my childhood. Yeah, she seems calmer almost relieved.”
Michael,
“Yes, after a while you should get her something to eat, she is hungry. You did good. She is with you now.”
Rescue and reintegration
Esther exclaims,
“she is sinking into me!
Michael,
“Yes, it’s OK, let it happen.”
Esther,
“like merging rather than separate, just sinking in, sitting on my knee, arms round my belly.
So I separated way back then and we split into 2 entities almost? What happened to cause that divide?”
Michael,
“Allow it to happen.”
Esther,
“I am feeling weak.”
Michael,
“Don’t struggle with it, if she wants to be part of you then that is OK. If she wants to be separate, then that is OK too. Love her and let her do what she wants.”
Esther,
“She doesn’t want to be separate and I don’t want her to be.”
Michael,
“Good, then unite.”
Esther,
“Didn’t think there could be a bond stronger than between a mother and child, but this is fiercer than that.”
Michael,
“You love her with every fiber of your being. She is a lovely child.”
Esther,
“Oh God, this is just so overwhelming!”
Comforting one another
Michael,
“My hand is on your shoulder. I am standing by you, behind where you are sitting with her. I am right here. It’s OK. It’s a beautiful thing.”
Esther,
“It’s like this has both united me, made me whole and broke me at the same time, but not in a broken-broken way.”
Michael,
“You did good to rescue yourself. You really did good.”
A flood of relief
Esther,
“I’m absolutely flooding with tears here, it’s ridiculous…
I get it now, that part of me has literally been left behind in that room for the last nearly 40 years. That is why I couldn’t speak when I was little. Another part of me had to learn to form words. There is a part of me that I walled off, which is why that place was dank, dusty and had no color or life. Like an unused room of nearly 40 years and she’s been all alone there. No wonder that little girl was happy to see the light of day and to be reunited like that.
That is really something.
Big hugs, thank you so much for being there with me and helping me through this.”
God says,
“ And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
“And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He *said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”
Revelation 21:3-5
